


Sanitas et Insania

by TheShadowPanther



Category: Dragonball Z
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Humor, Insanity, Language, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-17
Updated: 2009-11-17
Packaged: 2017-10-03 04:33:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 10,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheShadowPanther/pseuds/TheShadowPanther
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Well, this is a story of insanity, how it can occur, and one way of overcoming it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sanity and Insanity

**Author's Note:**

> Character death is nonexplicit, and is not as depressing as it sounds.

_For there to be sanity, there must be insanity. _  
_But for there to be insanity, there must only be a dream. _  
_For there to be a dream, there must be imagination... _  
_Therefore insanity is created from imagination._  
:-:-:-:

I don't know how long I've been here. I don't know if I care. I don't even know if _they_ care. All I know is that I'm in a room with white padded walls.

Do you know what this place is? I don't. I don't know much of anything, actually. The only thing I know is...

My name.

I'm proud to tell you that, unlike the other poor fools that I've heard through these incredibly thick walls, I've not forgotten my name. It's the only thing that I haven't forgotten, though. Indeed, I've forgotten why my name is so significant, what face it goes with, and in which memories it resonates...

And I seem to have forgotten my manners, as well.

My name's Son Gohan.

That's the only thing that I can tell you about myself. I don't remember who named me that (rice? Why _rice_?), who my parents are, who my grandparents are, if I have any siblings, or any other family. I don't know how old I am, although I seem to remember that I was twenty-four years old when I found myself in this place. I don't know if I have any children, a wife, a mate. Now why is it that my mind always insists upon supplying that word right after _wife_? It's a peculiar idiosyncrasy.

Oh, hello! My name's Son Gohan! I haven't forgotten my name, unlike some poor fools that I know...

:-:-:-:

Sorry about that. My mind does that to me. It blanks out and I find myself repeating myself over and over again... I'm supposed to take medicine for that, but I don't trust these young doctors. I have nothing against them, but I unintentionally shudder whenever I hear the word _prescription_. Ugh! I just did that. Shuddered.

Personally, I think that I need to get out of here. It's not doing me any good, staring at these white walls for Kami knows how long. I find myself talking to the walls and making friends with them, complimenting them on how spectacularly sturdy they are. My floor is hostile towards me, refusing to let me go anywhere, although I plead and plead with it to permit me to escape.

My ceiling, ahh, the ceiling. It's aloof and condescending, eyeing the frail mortal battling with the floor with the aid of his friends the walls from far above, like a god. It neither helps nor hinders, although I'm sure that with its help, I would conquer the floor. As such, I'm constantly plotting ways to bribe it into aiding me, although my attempts aren't very successful.

And then my mind blanks out and I do it all over again.

...Wow. I haven't had a visitor in a while. Care to introduce yourself? I'm Son Gohan. How are you? Want to help me fight the floor? It won't let me get out of here...

:-:-:-:

Oh no... the mind blanks are happening more frequently now. I guess this is because I haven't gotten enough sleep. But I can't sleep, or _they_ will come. I don't want _them_ to come.

Oh, you don't know who _they_ are? Good. _They_ can only hurt you with those _prescriptions_ of _theirs_... Ahh! I must hide! I have to hide! _They're_ coming!

:-:-:-:

"Dammit. He sensed us coming again. How in the nine hells does he _do_ that?"

"After last time, I'll be surprised if he doesn't _kill_ anybody."

"Damn straight. It took hours of surgery to repair Reno's cornea, and he just _touched_ it. No, I don't think I want to go in there. Not when he's awake."

"Then we'll just have to catch him while he's sleeping."

"And when is _that_ going to be? He seems capable of keeping this up for _days_, maybe even _weeks_. Look at him!"

"We can't wait that long. We'll have to take some drastic measures."

"Drastic measures? Oh, you mean...?"

"Hai. Those."

"All right. I suppose I'll have to get that kit ready, then?"

"Hai."

"Hnn. Well, I'll see you tomorrow then. I can't get the materials needed in fifteen minutes, bud, so don't look at me like that. I'm not Superman."

"From the way you act sometimes, I would have thought otherwise."

"Cute. Get some sleep, Doctor. You look like shit."

"Thanks ever so much, Head Doctor. You're so considerate."

"The day that Head Doctor Hanto Yukizara is considerate is the day that we catch _him_ here sleeping."

"I'll take you up on that, Head Doctor. Don't strain yourself being considerate."

"Goodnight, Doctor Uni!"

"Goodnight, Head Doctor."

"Hmpf. Pretty gal. Not my type, though, too sarcastic."

:-:-:

_They're_ gone? Excellent. I can go back to struggling with Bradius, then. Uh? Ah, Bradius is the floor. The wall on my left is called Gavilo. My right wall answers to Camas. The far wall introduced himself as Francis. And Orion is the wall behind me. My bed, which is on the side of Bradius, most of the time, is named Hondura. And the ceiling acknowledges herself as Yukimo. Ahem, I'm sorry, _Lady_ Yukimo. Heh.

Now, Bradius, tell me exactly _why_ you won't allow me to flee this cursed, damnable, unhelpful, unpalatable place forevermore?


	2. The Cure and the Disease

_Sometimes the cure is more fearsome than the disease. _

:-:-:-:

_They're_ back. I know it. _They're_ watching me. For what, I don't know. I don't like it. Are _they_ waiting for me to fall asleep? Well, then, I'm not going to fall asleep.

I've not fallen asleep for long periods before, don't worry, so I know I can do it. What worries me is...

Hondura, let go of me, I tell you!

:-:-:-:

"He still hasn't fallen asleep."

"I can see that. Thank you for pointing out the obvious."

"You're welcome."

"Heh."

"Well, shall we do this?"

"Lead the way."

&lt;!--more--&gt;:-:-:-:

Ah! I told you _they_ were here! And now _they're_ coming in...

"Patient 89. We're here with your medicine. We want you to _take_ it this time. Do you understand?"

I won't take it. I won't!

"Come on, this is for your health. Don't you want to live for your family?"

What family? Do I have a family? I still won't take it!

"Hmpf. Still won't talk. It's been so long..."

Tell me how long. Tell me!

"How long?"

Ahh...

"Whoa. Did you seem him calm down just then? Seems like he wants to know, too."

Yes, I do.

"Hmm... this may turn out to be to our advantage."

I won't take it!

"Are you sure? He just tensed again."

"Hai, so he did. We'll have to proceed then."

Thank Kami for my hearing. I wouldn't know what they were planning otherwise. So you want to make me go to sleep manually? With chemicals? Too bad. I'm not going. I'm not taking it!

"Right. Here we go..."

I'M NOT TAKING IT!

"AHH! I knew it, I knew this was going to happen! He's too smart for us, Doctor Uni..."

"No, he isn't."

NO! Don't make me take it! DON'T! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOO!

"Done. It's all in the flick of the wrist, Head Doctor."

"Well, well, well, I'm impressed."

"Thank you, Head Doctor. Don't forget to be considerate today!"

"Arggh, did you have to remind me?"

"Of course. Now would you like to inject him, or shall I do the honors?"

"I'll do it. I won't get a chance otherwise."

"Quite."

(Pause)

"All done. Nice work, Doctor Uni."

"You, too. Is this the start of your being considerate?"

"It is now."

"Heh. It's a good start. Keep it up."

"After you, Doctor. Ladies first."

"I feel so flattered, Head Doctor. I'm taken."

"I wasn't looking for a date, Doctor Uni. I was merely being considerate."

"Ah. It really is strange, even after only a day and a half, to have you act considerate."

"This is just the beginning, Doctor."

:-:-:-:

No... No.. No. NO! I won't take it! I won't, you hear me?

...Oh. _They're_ gone. Ohh...

I'm shaking. Why am I shaking? Did _they_ give their _prescriptions_ (ugh!) to me again?

...Kami, I hope not. I don't want to face those dreams...

:-:-:-:

"The medicine seems to be working."

"He's certainly not talking to the walls anymore."

"I don't think we should have those chains on him. It clearly agitates him."

"It would agitate _me _if they were off."

"Ah, yes. He _would_ be able to do worse damage if they were off, correct?"

"First time we medicated him, Reno Takiyashi, Megami Boronu, and I, he knocked Megami unconscious and almost ran me over."

"Really? You're a big man, that must have been hard to do."

"Not for _him_ it wasn't. Just mowed me right down."

"Wow. How old were you then?"

"...To be honest, I don't really remember. I've been dealing with this patient for so long that the years have just blurred in my head."

"Do you have his clinical records? They'll probably tell us."

"Right, right. See if there's any family in there while you're at it. I want to see if he'll accept outside visitors."

"You didn't know if he had any family? But in there, you said..."

"I was just trying to bluff him up. Turns out that wasn't a very good trump card."

"If you've been treating him for as long as you say you have, you would have known that."

"Actually no, I wouldn't. The guy didn't say anything while we were in there, and even when he was alone, all he could, or would, talk about was ask Bradius why it wouldn't let him go."

"Bradius?"

"The floor. Seems as if the whole room is in a conspiracy to keep him in. His bed's allied with the floor, though the walls seem willing to help him."

"Interesting. Does he have any affiliation with the ceiling?"

"Nope. It's neutral. I've heard him beg it to help him many times, though."

"He sounds desperate."

"Sure does. Been doing this for years, though, like I said. Got so involved in this fight that we didn't consider trying things from _his_ point of view, until recently."

"Recently?"

"Well, Reno is on the disabled list, and Megami went to another place, saying that 89 was too much to handle. You replaced her, you know."

"I did."

"Up to Reno's injury, all three of us were so engaged, so frustrated with getting this patient to accept a simple memory restorer that we started to forget that he was human, that he may have a very good reason for refusing medication, even if it would help him get out of here. We started treating him simply as an object, an arduous goal, and as a result, we didn't look into his personal history."

"Well, now we can. Let's go."

"If you don't mind, I'll stay here. I feel like it's my duty, you know, to make up for thinking of him as less than human."

"I understand."


	3. Hurts and Heals

_The usage of a dream is double-edged; it can hurt, but it can also heal. Don't be afraid to dream._

:-:-:-:

I don't want to dream. I don't want to think of them. I don't want to remember...

I don't want to have to hurt myself again.

I should hurt myself, I know, for the things I did to them... No, must not think of that! Turn away, turn away!

No... no... no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do them! I didn't mean to! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me! Please forgive me! I'm so sorry...

Please... forgive me. I can't do anything but ask you to forgive me. I can't move, I can't talk, I can't do anything but silently ask you to forgive me. Forgive this thirty-six-year-old man for his sins...

I've been here twelve years.

In all that time, I've never spoken a word. Not to another living being.

Why should I be allowed the liberty of speaking, when it was speaking that brought this upon me?

I should never have said those words. I should never have done those things. But I did.

And I'm sorry.

:-:-:-:

"How is he?"

"Not well."

"How so?"

"He seems to be torturing himself."

"What?"

"See for yourself."

(Pause)

"Oh my."

"My sentiments exactly. Do you need help?"

"I'd like to see him. May I?"

"Sure. I'm not sure what good it will do, though, not when he's in this state."

"I have to do something."

"I understand."

(Pause)

"In you go."

"Thank you."

:-:-:-:

_They_ are here again.

Strange. It's not time for their _prescriptions_. Ugh.

"Gohan."

Ah. _They've_ found my name. About time.

"Gohan, are you all right?"

What? Do I not look all right?

"You're pale. Paler than normal."

Is she reading my mind? Ah, no, she's just following up her question.

"Talk to me. Gohan, please."

How can I? If I do, then you will die.

"Gohan..."

No. Don't push me. I won't let you die like Videl did. Like Pan. Don't try and make me talk...

She's sighing. I feel somewhat guilty, but I still won't speak. I won't let myself do that. I won't be responsible for another death.

"All right, I won't ask anymore, for today. I'll come tomorrow."

Don't. You'll just die.

"Let me out, Head Doctor."

Yes, Head Doctor. Take her away from the murderer. The _insane_ murderer. And don't let her back in again...

Ever.

:-:-:-:

"Told you."

"Yes, you did."

"Sorry, not being considerate."

"Oh, that's okay. After that performance, I don't think I could deal with considerate right now."

"Heh. He has that effect on people."

"I can imagine."

(Pause)

"It's frustrating, isn't it? He stares at you with those dead black eyes, and he seems almost resigned, doesn't he? You know there's someone beneath all the muck and the talking to walls, but you just can't reach him."

"Indeed."

(Pause)

"I just want to talk to him! I want him to open up to me, tell me his troubles, why he's like this, why he's been here for twelve years..."

"Oh, it's that long?"

"Yes."

"Wow. That _is_ long."

(Pause)

"If I were able to take back those twelve years, I wouldn't do it."

"Oh?"

"It's just something about that guy. Something beneath the silent exterior cries out to me, and I can't resist it. You've felt it, too. Just now."

"Yes. Is that why Doctors Boronu-san and Takiyashi-kun stayed for so long with you?"

"I guess. I don't know. You'll have to ask them. Reno's still at the General hospital, if you're that interested."

"I think I will."

"Go for it."

:-:-:-:

I feel sleepy... I think I'll just go to sleep. Even then, I won't be able to escape the memories...

I'm so tired. I've been so tired for so long. I should be used to it.

I want my mind blanks back. I want to forget...

But that would be too easy. It's not appropriate for a sinful, dirty, evil, pestiferous _murderer_ like me to have such a mercy.

It's only right that I suffer.

I wonder what Videl and Pan would be doing now if this hadn't happened? If I had not done what I had done? What would I be doing? What would the rest of my family be doing? What _are_ the rest of my family doing? Do they hate me, my family? They should. They should hate me.

But what if they _do _hate me? I don't think I could bear that. Not on top of these white walls, though I deserve these. I deserve them.

Does my family even know what I have done?

All these questions, for which I have no answers.

...I think I'll go to sleep now. Yes, it's beckoning... I do not deserve the darkness.

:-:-:-:

"He's sleeping?"

"Finally."

"It was a day since we gave him the medicine."

"And since your visit."

"Yes."

"Did you tell him you were going to visit him today?"

"I did."

"Better get in there, then."

"But he's asleep!"

"So? You promised him you'd visit. He doesn't seem to like people who break their promises very much. I speak from personal experience."

"All right. I'll go in."

"Good. In you go."


	4. Misery and Company

_Misery loves company. But even Misery gets sick of Company after a time. _

:-:-:-:

_She_ is here.

_She_ is sleeping, actually.

How odd.

I never thought that _they_ slept. But I suppose that they must. They _are_ human, after all.

I am not human. I have never been fully human, but now I am less human than I was, than I used to be.

So why do _I_ need sleep?

...Ah. The Head Doctor is back. _He_ is coming in, obviously for _her_. Excellent. _She_ shouldn't have been in here in the first place. Not while I was sleeping.

Not while I am awake.

I track his movements wearily with my eyes, noting the Head Doctor's nervousness. If it was not for my extreme languor, I would have snorted. His discomfort is well earned.

I'm sorry for that too.

I'm sorry for everything I did in here.

He is hovering just outside of my range now, poised to swoop up _her_ and carry _her_ to the relative safety outside of my room. _He _meets my eyes and tightens his lips, preparing himself for an outbreak of insanity as soon as _he_ bends over.

I gaze back steadily.

However, he surprises me. "I'm going to take Doctor Uni back now. Is that okay? Is it okay if I take her away?"

I blink at him, not accustomed to being spoken to so pleadingly. What is this? What is this feeling? This...

I lean backwards. With relief in his black eyes, the Head Doctor immediately leans down and picks her up easily, though carefully. I watch sharply as he totters towards the door, making sure that he does not drop her. Hmm, it seems that he could use some sleep as well. I will try and get that over to him, somehow.

Is there paper around here anywhere?

(Pause)

Why am I doing this? Why am I thinking this? If I care for them, feel the _concern_ that I felt earlier, the alarm, they will die. I don't want them to die.

Strange. _They_ are no longer _they_. _They_ are they.

This should not have happened. When did it happen? _How_ did it happen?

The last question is not so much of a mystery to me. I have realized that _they_ are human after all. _They_ are just they.

Those mind blanks should be coming back any hour now. It's been a day...

:-:-:-:

"Ah! Gohan!"

"It's all right, Doctor Uni."

"Oh, Head Doctor. I—"

"You fell asleep in Patient 89's room. I took you out."

"Did you have any problems?"

"That's the thing. I didn't."

"Ah..."

"Do you want to visit him today?"

"Yes. Do you think I could take his food to him?"

"No, that's the job of the interns. Doctors aren't allowed to that."

"Oh."

(Pause)

"I'm not going to bend the rules for you, Doctor, not even for a long-standing patient whom has finally shown some semblance of being human."

"I understand."

"No you don't. That's okay."

(Pause)

"Don't be so disappointed, Doctor. You're his doctor, you get to visit him any time you want to. I just want to be here with you, even with my busy schedule."

"Because he was your patient for so long."

"Partly, yes. Okay, well, mostly. It's that resigned thing I told you about..."

"Now _that_ I understand."

"Ha! I like your humor, Doctor."

"Thank you, Head Doctor."

:-:-:-:

Such camaraderie. Am I really the cause of that? I don't think I should be. Being a Saiyan does not merit me to be the cause of such lingering and such loyalty. I don't usually eavesdrop on my doctors, but they're right next door... I couldn't help myself.

Where are those mind blanks? I'm getting agitated. I don't know what will happen if I get agitated, not in this place, but I know that it will not take much for me to explode in this place.

Hmm... if I do that, will Bradius finally let me go?


	5. The Family and the Intruder

_Familial ties aren't necessarily the best ones, but neither are no ties. _

:-:-:-:

"They're here."

"Gohan's family?"

"Yes. An intern's checking them in."

"All right. Let's get him ready."

:-:-:-:

_They_ are here. What are _they_ here for? Their _prescriptions_ (ugh!)? But they can't! I won't take it! I won't! I refuse!

"Patient 89, you have visitors."

Visitors? Is this some cheap trick to get me to take that _prescription_? I won't take it! I'm not falling for it!

"They're your family, 89."

Family? Do I have a family? Don't come near me! I'm not accepting your medicine!

"Ouch, that must have hurt."

"Not really... I just didn't expect him to do that."

"Should we give him the medicine before they arrive? It wouldn't do for him to lash out at them like he did with you just now."

"No. I don't think that's a good idea."

"Are you sure, Doctor?"

"Yes, Head Doctor. Is that a problem?"

You bet it's a problem. I'm not buying that trashy ploy. Just leave already! I don't want your company!

"No. I just want to make sure that you're confident about this."

"I'll be fine, Head Doctor."

"All right. Ai-kun, let them in!"

Ahh... who are these people? Who are they, and why are they staring at me like that? Why did they freeze, and why is that woman rushing towards me now with tears in her eyes?

"Gohan!"

No! No, don't come near me! Orion, Camas, help me! Keep her away!

"Don't!"

Ugh... _she_ stopped her. Why did _she_ do that?

"Don't what?"

"Don't come near him. He's—"

"Look, hussy, I'll do whatever I like with my son! You have no control over what I do—"

"Chichi, calm down. Get away from her... Goten, help me."

I watch apprehensively from on top of Hondura as the two men restrain the woman, though she is still rattling away at_ her_.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Son, but your son is in the insanity ward for a reason. I cannot let you near him or him near you. Or the rest of you, as well."

"But _you_ can?"

"To be precise, your son smacked me away when I tried to approach him this morning. So no, I cannot either."

"Serves you right."

"Chichi!"

The rest of the conversation fades as the younger man comes towards me. His eyes are wide and inquisitive, the sparkle in them too bright for imagining. His air is hesitant, as is his voice, which I have not heard before.

"Gohan?"

Ah! NO! Get away from me! I—I can't do this!

"Excuse me! Please stay away from him."

No... Don't go... But don't come nearer!

"What's wrong with him? Why are those chains on him?"

"Mr. Son—"

"Please, call me Goten. My dad's Mr. Son."

"Goten...-san, your brother has a history of refusing his medicine, which are memory restorers so that he can remember things. You see, Patient 89—"

"His name's Gohan, you slattern!"

"Mom, stop interrupting her so I can listen! She's explaining something!"

"It's all right, Mister...Goten-san. I understand her reactions. Your brother has blocked his memories out. We are giving him medicine to try and chip away at that block so that he will remember—"

"Blocked his memories? Why?"

"That is what we are trying to find out, Goten-san. We don't know why he's blocking them. We're hoping that once he remembers them that he will talk to us about it, and then we can help him."

"And is it working?"

At this silence, I peek out from the ball I have curled into. What will _she_ say? Why didn't _she_ just tell me about this? I...

Whoa! Where did these people come from? Francis, Orion, Camas, Gavilo, help me! Get them out of here! This is my space!

"What's happening to him?"

"Oh, dear, he's going through a 'mind blank'. This is where his mind just completely flips and forgets everything that just happened. We have to get out of here."

"But—!"

"Don't question me, just do it! All of you!"

Yeah, get out! This is MY space! You aren't allowed in here!

"Ahh, Gohan! He's trying to break free of his chains!"

"Goten-san! You must not go near him! He'll—"

"Gohan!"

The one called Goten-san heads towards me again. I see red and tear through my manacles, releasing Hondura's hold on me. Finally, I am winning this battle against Bradius.

Bradius!

"What's wrong with him?"

"Goten-san, we have to get out of here immediately! Get over here, _now!_"

"Goten, do what she says! She knows better than we do what Gohan is capable of doing in this state! Please, come on!"

Bradius, I have won this battle! You can't stop me now! I'm free!

"Close the door, before he gets out! Quickly! Close it!"

Just as I am about to escape at long last, another enemy pops up to obstruct me. This obstruction is in the form of a lean solid arched figure, with a small window in the top and no handle. I snarl at the door, frustrated by the hindrance, but know that I will not be able to get through it. I tried once before, when my manacles did not lock me down.

Speaking of my manacles, I've just decided to call them Kiito and Mara. The door, my new enemy, has just suddenly announced herself quite smugly as Candre. I glare at it again, then turn away and walk despondently back to Hondura. I have no qualms about sitting on her now…

I wonder why I'm not tied down now? What could it have been? Oh well, it's just easier for me. Now I can get to work convincing Bradius to join me against Candre, and work more on Lady Yukimo.


	6. Ignorance and Knowledge

_If ignorance is bliss, then knowledge is ecstasy. _

:-:-:-:

"Well, that went well."

"Why did Gohan act like that? Did he really feel that rage?"

"I suspect not. We were merely in his way, that is all."

"In his way? What do you mean?"

"Mr. Son, your son constantly tries and finds ways to get out of this institution. He has made friends with his surrounding walls to conspire against the floor and his bed and let him escape."

"WHAT?"

"Mrs. Son, I assure you that this is treatable. We simply have to give him his medication, however, it is him who has to open up. Perhaps you could tell me what led to this? It may give us some insight on how to treat him."

"I—I have no idea what would make Gohan like this…."

"What about the deaths of Videl and Pan? He seemed to be hit particularly hard…"

"Yes, that's it!"

"Videl and Pan? Of whom are you speaking?"

"Videl was his wife. Pan was his daughter. They were killed…"

"Oh? Tell me more. This is very beneficial information…"

"All right. Here we go…"

:-:-:-:

_She _is here again.

I have been dosed with the medicine, and I have put up my usual fight. But this time, after I have fully ingested the _prescription_ (ugh), I am perfectly willing to cooperate. There is, after all, a reason for this medication. I still don't like the dreams, though.

Why didn't _she_ or _they_ tell me why they were stabbing me with those syringes? I would have cooperated…

Would I? The details of my life are strange and no one would believe me. And besides, I shouldn't burden them with my problems… especially the knowledge that I am a murderer. No, I'm sorry, I won't do this….

"Hello, Gohan."

Why are you still here? Why are you providing this murderer with your company, your compassion? Why?

I don't like this place. I don't suppose that I ever have. But now I like it even less. I don't deserve your mercy. Don't give it to me, I don't want it, I don't need it, I…

I want it. I need it. I admit it. But I don't deserve it. I don't expect it. So why are you doing this? Why are you sitting on my bed and looking at me with those eyes? Why are you talking to me, telling me that everything is all right? It's not all right. Nothing has been right ever since they died. So just stop torturing me! Get away from me! Don't…

"Oh, my. The medication isn't working. You're retreating again."

Don't…

"I'll have to come back later, when you're more comfortable. I'll see you later…"

"It's not… all right."

(Pause)

"What did you say, Gohan-san?"

"It's not all right. My mate died."

"Your mate?"

"And my child. They died because of me."

"…Because of you? Why do you say that?"

Don't make me try and remember. The pain is too harsh. I can't see those faces again...and not hate myself. Don't make me try and remember. I can't do it.

"Gohan-san?"

Oh, Videl…and Pan…why did you have to die? Why did I have to say those things to you? I shouldn't have been so angry…

"Gohan-san, why do you think they died because of you?"

"I killed them."

"Did you really?"

Why are you questioning me? Of course I did! Of course I killed them! Aren't you listening? Of course I killed them!

"How did you kill them, Gohan-san?"

"Don't… call me Gohan-san."

It reminds me too much of her. Of them.

"Ah…"

Don't make me do this. Please.

"I talked to your family, Go… 89. They told me what happened. You didn't kill them, 89. It was just an accident. You didn't kill them."

"Yes, I did."

Stop trying to make me tell you. Stop trying to make me think that I didn't kill them. I know what I did. You don't know what happened. Stop…

"No, you didn't. Gohan, listen to me."

No, you listen to me. I. _Killed_. Them. It was my fault, my fault alone. Stop trying to convince me otherwise!

"Gohan…"

"NO! IT'S MY FAULT! STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME THINK OTHERWISE! STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME OPEN UP! IT'S MY DAMN FAULT! DON'T GODDAMN DO THIS TO ME!"

(Pause)

"All right, 89. All right. I'll leave you alone now…"

…Just leave me alone. Leave me alone… to my eternal punishment.

:-:-:-:

"That was enlightening."

"Hmpf. Knew he was going to yell at you eventually. At least he didn't attack you."

"I know he wanted to."

"So you did notice. I wasn't sure. You've got a lot guts staying with a guy with such serious self-esteem issues as he has. When his hands twitched like that…"

"It _is_ self-esteem, isn't it? He's got so little…"

"He hates himself. It's in every line of his body. He hates himself for not being able to prevent the deaths of his wife and kid."

"They were an accident."

"You tried telling him that. Look at the results."

(Pause)

"We've got our work cut out for us, haven't we?"

"Yep. We're going to put some major overtime in for this guy."

(Pause)

"We'll get it done, won't we? We'll help this man overcome his problems, right? I so want to help him…"

"To be honest, I'm not sure we will. See, the problem is, 89 doesn't _want _to believe that he didn't cause the death of his family. He doesn't _want_ to overcome his problems. For whatever reason, he's perfectly happy in that little world of his… as happy as anyone could get blaming themselves like that."

(Pause)

"I don't see how _anyone_ could be happy like that."

"Heh. Yeah, well, that's life for you, Doctor. You're going to face things that you don't understand. That's inevitable. What's different is _how_ you're going to solve them. Are you going to give up—"

"No! I won't give up on 89! How can you say that?"

"…Or are you going to keep on looking ahead, planning for the future, and finding ways to get there?"

(Pause)

"Let's get cracking."

"That's the Doctor Uni I've come to know. Don't get discouraged because the future is uncertain. It's really only what _you _make of it, anyway."

"The future?"

"Yes. Now come on, we've got some observations to make."

"Aye, aye, Head Doctor."

:-:-:-:

_Videl is smiling at me so happily. Pan, too. They're smiling at me so happily… _

_I can't stand it. Why are they so joyful? They shouldn't be, not in the presence of the one who caused them to die…._

_Videl is beckoning, motioning for me to come closer. A force pushes me towards her against my own will, causing me to almost collide with her. I recoil, but neither Videl nor Pan is looking me. Instead they are looking behind them, at an image that is far too familiar to me. _

_I fall back again as I recognize the huge pileup of cars that Videl and Pan died in. Somewhere underneath all of those cars is Videl's sleek convertible… _

_No! Why are you showing me this? I don't want to see it! I see this all the time! I know I killed you, okay? You don't have to show me this again… _

_But Videl and Pan are not listening. They continue to gaze at the pileup with steady eyes, forcing me to do the same. However, my eyes widen as the image suddenly moves. All the cars are tumbling off of each other and becoming whole again… _

_After they become whole, the cars drive backwards, sometimes swerving as they do so. I realize that what I am seeing is a movie, a movie that is being rewound in slow motion. _

_The movie is of my family's death. _


	7. Dreams and Dreamers

_Dreams reflect the deepest, darkest, wishes of the dreamer. _

:-:-:-:

I understand that you have a grudge against me, Bradius, because I've defeated you, but that's no reason not to help me against Candre!

Oh, very well. I'll fight against her alone. All alone, with no one to help me…!

:-:-:-:

"89 doesn't appear to be worse for the wear after last night."

"No, he doesn't. But he shouldn't be acting like he normally does after a half-day of medicine."

"Yes, the medicine usually affects him up to a day."

(Pause)

"Do you think he's faking it?"

"If he is, he's doing it really well."

"Should we give him an Academy Award for his acting?"

"If and when he appears to be lucid enough to get him out of here, then yeah."

"All right, Head Doctor. I'll put in an order for one."

:-:-:-:

They're gone, finally. Now I can drop this. I'll have to be careful, though. I must look like I've accomplished something by the time they come back.

I had one of _those_ dreams again last night. I told you I don't like the dreams I have after taking the medication….

But this one was the strangest dream I'd had yet. Usually in my dreams I have Videl and/or Pan screaming at me for causing their deaths. This time, I merely watched a vivid movie of their deaths…

And it was not what I had imagined it to be.

Could it be… that I really did not cause their deaths? But… that can't be right. I've blamed myself for so long….

Not blamed. Blame. I still think that I drove them to their deaths. But a small, growing, part of me says otherwise….

Why did _she_ have to complicate my life? Why did that doctor have to start all of this? It was so simple before….

And yet something inside me says that life is supposed to be complicated. Without complication, I wouldn't be what I am now…. Without complication, nothing would get done.

I shake my head. It's pounding now from all the thoughts that are racketing around my mind. I think I'll ask the doctor later for some aspirin. As long as she gives it to me before I have a mind blank again, she won't have any trouble with _that_ medication.

They're coming back now, so I have to take up the act again….

:-:-:-:

"He's still at it."

"Not really… Okay, so he is. He wouldn't do _that_ if he didn't have a mind blank."

"That is unique, isn't it? But it still hasn't been a day…"

"He's glaring at the door now. He still wants out."

"Glaring? I call that a calculating look."

"Yeah? Are we seeing the same thing?"

"_I_ know what I'm seeing, and that is _not_ a glare."

"Hmpf. You would think that being Head Doctor would give me _some_ authority around here, but apparently not. What is this world coming to?"

"You don't _act_ like a Head Doctor, Head Doctor."

"Oh, I don't, do I? Well, how's this? GET TO WORK!"

"That'll do it."

"I thought so. In you go."

"Thank you."

"No problem."

:-:-:-:

Ah, the doctor's here. Just in time.

"Hello, Gohan…?"

"Hello, Doctor. Tell me, do you have any aspirin? My head's pounding."

"You _were_ faking it."

"Faking what? Doctor, the aspirin please?"

"Ah, of course. Just let me put these things down…"

…She's getting the aspirin. She's actually getting the aspirin. I don't know why this surprises me, but it does. I glance toward the small window in the door (_in Candre_) and glimpse a face with wide eyes in it. It hurriedly ducks out of sight, but I know that Head Doctor Yukizara is still behind the door (_Candre_), listening.

"Here you are."

I turn back to the doctor, who is holding out two little red-capped capsules for me. I study them carefully, but take them nonetheless.

"Would you like some water to go with that?"

"No, thank you."

I down the aspirin without water. As I expected, it tastes a little bit like it's got an sedative in it. This is what I wanted, partly, for it will keep the mind blanks away a bit longer. And if the mind blanks aren't there to trip me up, I can ask the doctor more than a few questions, and evade questions directed at me.

"Thank you, Doctor."

"You're welcome, 89."

"You may call me Gohan, if you wish. Just not -san."

"Ah… thank you."

"Now, Doctor, why do you feel so committed to help me? Why does the Head Doctor standing outside of the door believe in me so much?"

(Pause)

"Take your time in answering, Doctor. We have all the time in the world."


	8. The Smile and the Darkness

_Sometimes all it takes is a smile to destroy the darkness of the soul._

:-:-:-:

"Doctor Uni?"

"Ah, Goten-san! Are you here to visit your brother?"

"Yes. My parents don't know I'm here, though."

"Ah. Well, there's really nothing they can do about that, is there?"

"No…"

"And that's the end of the matter. This way."

"…Is Gohan all right?"

"He's not harmed himself, so yes, he's all right. Why do you ask?"

"You seem a little unsettled."

(Pause)

"Doctor?"

"Your brother… He showed some very interesting behavior yesterday. Very interesting behavior."

"But you said he didn't hurt himself."

"Right. It wasn't anything self-injurious, though that would be expected. Really, why didn't we see that type of behavior before…?"

"Expected?"

"Ah, it's nothing to worry about. Your brother's fine. Well, he's talking again to the floor, trying to get its aid, anyway."

(Pause)

"And that's fine behavior?"

"With him, yes."

"Sheesh… What is _not fine_ behavior?"

"If you had come yesterday, you would have seen it."

"What did he do yesterday?"

(Pause)

"Here you are. Room 2R, Patient 89. Do you want me to come in with you? You seemed particularly rattled last visit."

"No, I'm fine. I can handle whatever comes at me."

"You're sure? I can stay outside the door…"

"You'd be outside the door even if I refused it, Doctor. I'm fine. I'll be fine."

"All right. Here you are…"

"Thanks, Doctor."

:-:-:-:

"Why did you let him in there? You know it was because of this boy that 89 overreacted last time."

"He's family, Head Doctor."

"So? It was his family that spooked him."

(Pause)

"You don't really have a reason, do you? You're just going with your gut instinct here."

"Yes."

(Pause)

"It's something else, too, isn't it? Is it what happened yesterday?"

"Partly. It's also… just _something_ between the brothers that I can't describe. It's as if 89's overreaction was really an internal scream for help…"

"Basically, the bond between them is stronger than between us, and you want to see if that pulls him out of it."

(Pause)

"Yeah."

"Gotcha. Well, I'll leave you to your observation, then. Try to intervene before 89 hurts himself too much, okay?"

"Right."

:-:-:-:

"Gohan…?"

And who is this? A new visitor! I haven't had one in a while. This is a pleasant surprise! Not like _them_….

"Don't you remember me, Gohan? I'm your brother, Goten. Your brother…?"

Your brother? What's that?

"Gohan… why did you disappear? Why did you block out your memories? Was it _that_ painful…?"

Why is this visitor so sad? Is he trying to escape his own white room, but without any friends?

"Gohan… don't you want to get out of here? If you do, I'll take care of you, help you remember everything! You just have to cooperate, and you'd never have to deal with all the doctors around here…"

Cooperate? With whom? I do want to get out of here!

…But why do you seem so sad? Is this not a glorious proposition you are offering me? You should be happy! We'd finally be able to escape our white rooms….

"Gohan?"

Why do you seem so sad, you of all people? Your bright sparkle has gone out where it shouldn't be. Why is that?

"Gohan, what do you want to do? What _are_ you doing?"

Move your arms, please, so I can do what I want to…

"A hug? Oh, big brother…"

There! There's that smile I was looking for. The sparkle has returned….

:-:-:-:

"How are they?"

"89 is giving his brother a hug."

"Really? Let me see."

(Pause)

"Wow, look at that smile on 89's face. It's huge…"

"Goten-san's too."

"Oh, yeah…. Wow, we've really got a pair of great smilers on our hands, don't we?"

(Pause)

"Why are you so disappointed, Doctor Uni? Are you sad that you aren't the special person for whom 89 clicks?"

(Pause)

"Yeah."

"I understand, Doctor Uni. The same thing happened to me, remember?"

"I remember."

"It's tough, I know. You're here to make people's lives better, but some of the patients that you take on just don't see you that way."

"Aren't you here for that, too?"

"Of course. That was a summarization of a general psychiatrist's feelings, yours and mine included, Doctor. Don't make me smack you for being dense."

"No, no, spare me, Head Doctor!"

"Hmm, fine. I won't smack you. Just remember, for every patient that doesn't click for you, there are two people who do. So don't give up, Doctor. 89 is just your first assignment here. There'll be others, others whose lives you'll save through some method or other. Okay?"

"Yes, Head Doctor. Thank you."

"Don't ever forget it. It was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn here. I don't want it to be nearly so complicated for you."


	9. Benefits and Dislikes

_There are definitely some benefits to medicine. One of them is that they always take care of you, even if they don't like you. _

:-:-:-:

It was nice of my brother to visit me two days ago. I know what Goten wants; but these mind blanks just don't do anyone any good. What if I had one while I was outside of the house? No, no, it's better if I stay in here.

And besides, I'm a murderer.

...Or am I? I'm so confused now. Ever since that dream three days ago...

Don't you dare sneak up on me, Bradius!

...Whoops. Another mind blank.

This is the most lucid I've been without the medicine since _they _were trying to get me while I was asleep. I don't know how long ago that was; nor do I care. It doesn't matter, does it? Still, I feel kind of like it's time for my _prescription_, (ugh!) and, as usual, have no desire to take it.

But this time, I am certain that I don't want to take it. I want to remain in this unaided lucidity for as long as I can. However, if those mind blanks get more frequent, then I will accept the medicine.

The _prescription_. (Yecch!)

Right on time, _they_ come trooping in.

"All right, Gohan, time for your medicine."

"Uh, please, can I not take it now? I mean, I'm practically lucid already..."

"Oh? The patient speaks?"

"Can it, Head Doctor. If we don't give the medicine to you now, will you please take it when you _do_ need it? We don't want to have to force you as we usually do."

"I will, Doctor."

"All right. It's here on this desk, okay? Fine, then, let's get out of here, Head Doctor."

"I'm going, I'm going!"

And like that, _they_ are gone. It didn't take that much for that to happen, did it?

...Uh, Lady Yukimo, why are you falling?

:-:-:-:

"Well, looks like we'll have to give him his medicine after all. He's suffering a dizzy attack."

"Heh, guess that medicine's good for something besides memory restoration."

"Yes, it's got a mild tranquilizer in it so that his system stabilizes. Didn't you know that, Doctor?"

"Not entirely, no."

"What do you mean, not entirely? Did you or did you not?"

"Hold him up while I prep the medicine."

"Will do."

(Pause)

"Fine, I didn't know, Head Doctor. But it's not anyone's fault."

"It's Megami's. She didn't tell you."

"Well, that's true. Fine, it's her fault. All her fault."

"That's right."

(Pause)

"Done?"

"Yes. You can let him down now."

"Took you a while this time."

"Couldn't find his vein."

"Really? That's interesting."

"It is, isn't it? What are your thoughts on it?"

"That 89 really does need this medicine, even if he won't admit it."

"That pretty much sums it up for me."

"We make a good team, Doctor Uni."

"We do, don't we? Shall I start calling you Hanto, then?"

"You wish. After you."

"You don't have to be considerate anymore, Head Doctor. That day is over now."

"Thanks to you, it's become a habit."

"And that's a bad thing?"

"In my opinion it is."

:-:-:-:

"Head Doctor! We need to get 89 into the infirmary! He's convulsing!"

"Goddamn it! We waited too long in getting him the medicine! Get him out of there, NOW!"

"Right!"

:-:-:-:

"Whew. That was a close one, Nurse Regali."

"What was it, Head Doctor?"

"89's doctor and I waited too long to give him his memory restoration medicine, with the system-stabilizing tranquilizer in it."

"Oh, my. Well, it appears as though Patient 89 is steady now, Head Doctor. Go. Get some sleep. I'll call you as soon as 89 wakes up."

"Thanks, Nurse."

"Anytime, Head Doctor."

:-:-:-:

"WHERE? WHERE IS HE?"

"Goten-san! What brings you here at this time of night?"

"There's something wrong with Gohan! I know it!"

"Goten-san! Calm down! There's nothing wrong with Gohan. We just got him stabilized. He suffered from an intense seizure because his medicine didn't come to him on time. But he's stable now, and fine."

"What took so long with the medicine?"

(Pause)

"Gohan asked us if we could let him take the medicine on his own. Since he hadn't been experiencing too many mind blanks that we could see, we, or I, agreed. Two minutes later, he fainted back onto his bed, so the Head Doctor and I injected his medicine into him. Turns out that was not the right thing to do, as it was too late for him to safely have his medicine."

(Pause)

"So...you're telling me that Gohan has a specific window of time in which his medicine can be given to him?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm telling you."

(Pause)

"I'm sorry, Goten-san. If we had remembered..."

"I can't say that I'm not mad at you. I am. But I'm just so glad that my brother is safe..."

"Would you like to visit him? I'm not sure it would really do any good—"

"Of course!"

"Nothing quite like a visual to assure you or not, eh?"

"Yeah."

"Very well. We'll be going to the infirmary, since that's where we took your brother to be stabilized."

"Okay."

:-:-:-:

"Wow."

"Indeed."

"That's a lot of wires and tubes. Are you sure he needs them all?"

"Probably not, but they're there as a precaution. Don't touch them, Goten-san."

"I won't."

"If anything happens, just holler. I'll be right down the hall."

"Thanks, Doctor Uni."

(Pause)

"Hey, Gohan. Those doctors really made a mess, didn't they?"

(Pause)

"Did you know that this was going to happen? Is that why you didn't take the medicine? If so, good job. You really saved your own skin on that one."

(Pause)

"I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know you anymore. You left when I was thirteen..."

(Pause)

"And now, seeing you like this, it's like you're in a whole other world. I don't know what you're like medicated, but I hope you're not as... _childish_."

(Pause)

"Uh? Doctor Uni!"

(Pause)

"Doctor Uni! Doctor Uni—"

"What is it, Goten-san?"

"Gohan moved! It was just his finger, but—"

"Well, he's certainly a speedy one. Head Doctor!"

"Yeah?"

"Look."

"What? Even after all that, he's moving?"

"Yes."

"Whoa. You got a strong brother there, Goten-san."

"Thanks, Head Doctor."

"I'm not your boss. Just call me Doctor."

"Yes, Doctor."

"Sheesh, you like to echo yourself, don't you? I—"

"Urrgh."

"Gohan?"


	10. Simplicity and Difficulty

_In some cases the cure for the disease is so simple, it's hard. _

:-:-:-:

"...Where am I?"

"In the infirmary. We had to move you here from your room because you were convulsing. We delivered your medicine to you too late."

(Pause)

"Do you want us to leave?"

"Yes, please."

"All right, then. Good day, Goten-san."

"Oh, hi, Goten! Didn't see you there, hiding in the shadows like that."

"You do remember me!"

"Of course. That is, when I'm not insane."

"Don't say that. You're not insane, whenever."

"Fine, insane _mode_. Ya happy now?"

"Very."

"Good. I'm sorry for distressing you like that. It's just that my mind just _flips_ and totally just reverts back to child mode and..."

"You don't have to explain it to me. Your doctor did that."

"She didn't explain it _enough_, in my opinion."

"Heh."

"Yeah. So, got any girlfriends? _Had_ any girlfriends?"

:-:-:-:

"Hi, Gohan! How are you today?"

Oh, a visitor! There hasn't been one for a whole day! This is very nice!

"Ahh, I see you're finally back to insane mode. Do I get a hug today?"

A hug? What for? You're not sad today. You still want one? Fine.

"Thank you!"

You're welcome. Thanks for the smile.

"How are you liking it in this infirmary?"

It sucks. There's nothing to do. Therefore, I'm trying to chat up the tubes sliding out of my arms. They're very interesting to talk to, _when_ they talk.

"Boring, huh?"

You bet. Sheesh... What's this? A visitor?

"Ahh, another mind blank! Guess I'll just have to introduce myself all over again..."

Who are you?

"I'm Goten. Goten, Gohan, Goten."

Why are you saying my name like that? Goten, Gohan, Goten?

"...Oh, boy. This isn't going anywhere."

Don't go away. You're fun to be around.

"_I'm_ not going anywhere."

Good. I need the company.

"Gohan? Why don't you come out? I know you can."

I _am_ Gohan! I'm right here!

"Say, Gohan, do you want to get out of here?"

Yes! Can you get me past Candre? That demon door won't let me by.

"It looks like you're interested. Why don't I open the door for you? I can claim that you surprised me."

I can go along with that.

"Here we go..."

Yay! I'm free!

"Good luck, bro. I hope I see you in the outside world someday..."

In your face, Candre!

"No. I _know_ I will."

Gotta be fast if I don't want _them_ to catch me!

"Huh! What was that?"

"I don't know. Do you know what that was, Nurse?"

"N-no…"

"Oh, no!" (Chorus)

"We've got to chase after him!"

"Nurse Regali, gather up a search team as quickly as possible. Also, find out from Goten-san how the heck 89 could get by him!"

"Aye, aye, Head Doctor!"

"I'm right on your heels, Doctor Uni!"

:-:-:-:

Whoa.

To think that the outside would be so crisp and clear…. I can feel my head clearing, the child in me retreating, the child that I had never gotten the chance to be….

I'm returning to myself.

But the bad memories are being held at bay….

Could it be that I only needed to get out in the fresh air to get rid of all these cobwebs in my head? That to get over my problems, I needed to get outside? So that I could rationalize reasonably well and figure out in only five minutes that Videl and Pan died in what was merely an accident, and had nothing to do with me? For that's true. It was just an accident.

I hear shouts behind me and look back. I see two people in lab coats, one a woman with cropped blue hair and stern green eyes, the other a big, sturdy man with kind black eyes and ear-length black hair.

_Them_.

They are racing towards me, no doubt intending to catch me and take me back inside. Well, too bad. I'm not going back into that fusty old place. Not when it'll only slow down my recovery….

Tossing them a bright Son Grin over my shoulder, I rise up on my toes and start padding away. Distantly, I remember that I shouldn't go _too_ fast, as I am in the presence of unsuspecting humans, but it is only a distant part.

I pick up my pace and lose myself in the rush of speed, the play of almost-atrophied muscles, and the delight it all brings. Finally, I'm home.


	11. Competition and Coexistence

_Where there is darkness, there is light. Where there is light, there is darkness. _  
_Each is always competing with the other, but in the end, each must coexist in this strange world. _  
_Whether there is more darkness than light, or more light than darkness, one can always find the complement in some hidden corner _somewhere...

:-:-:-:

"Hey, Goten," I call, stepping inside his house, or what seems to be his house, since his ki is in it.

"What?" my brother calls back, obviously not knowing it's me. Smiling, I flare my ki up for a moment, then bring it back down. It takes only a few seconds for my brother to come tearing into the room, whereupon he stops dead.

Smiling at him, I wave and say, "Hey, baby bro. Where's Alice?"

Alice is Goten's current girlfriend. He told me all about her when I was medicated in that infirmary. My baby brother has had other girlfriends (six of them), but in each case, the relationship only lasted roughly three months and ended nicely. Goten seems to have found his mate in Alice, though, since they've been going strong for two years.

I'm so proud.

"S-she's out shopping," Goten responds. I raise an eyebrow at him, questioning his reaction, and decide to take the initiative.

"Come here, squirt." I step forward and grab Goten in a hug, one that a Saiyan could only give to another Saiyan. Goten starts to believe now that it's really me and squeezes me back, hard. My ribcage muscles scream in protest, but I ignore them. It's not like they've not been hugged this tight before.

I hear a rustle of cloth behind me, but before I can do anything about it, a feminine voice yelps, "Goten!"

We pull away and stare at the pretty girl facing us. She has shoulder-length blonde hair, is slender, and dresses conservatively. Knowing my brother's descriptions of his previous six girlfriends, I raise my eyebrows.

"Hello, Alice," I say. I place my hand on top of Goten's spiky hair and ruffle it, still staring at Alice. "Have you been taking good care of my baby brother?"

Alice's blue, blue eyes widen. "You're…Gohan?" she asks, the bags in her arms starting to tremble.

"I'm pleased to meet you," I reply, nodding my head. Stepping in her direction, I smile at her reassuringly and say, "Don't worry, I'm not insane." I hold out my hand for her to shake.

"Ah…! P-pleased to meet you, too," she fumbles. Setting a bag onto the nearby counter, Alice takes my hand and pumps it eagerly. Letting it go, she bows to me, a gesture that I return with a smile.

Turning away, I wink at Goten. My brother only blushes a cute scarlet in answer. Yes, he is quite taken with this girl. I believe there will be an engagement soon.

I hope so, for his sake.

Patting my brother's shoulder, I turn to leave. A hand tugs on my coat to stop me, making me turn back, a curious frown on my face.

"Yes, Alice-san?" I inquire of Goten's girlfriend, raising my eyebrows once more.

"Uh, w-will you have dinner with us? I want to apologize for thinking you were insane," Alice tells me, blushing ferociously. Hmm, two blushers in a relationship. This could get very interesting.

"So you did think I was insane. I wasn't quite sure," I tease, smirking mischievously. Goten elbows me in the ribs, a clear order to behave. I wince and rub the sore spot, glowering at Goten, but my grimace transforms into a natural smile a second later.

"If you or Goten don't mind, I would very much like to. I haven't eaten home-cooked food in a while…"

"Oh, of course not! You're welcome here anytime," Alice chirps. She turns and bounces away, leaving Goten and me to look after her. I shake my head amusedly and watch Goten out of the corner of my eye. Hmpf. This _is_ very interesting, already. I will keep an eye on them, see how this relationship goes. I don't want for either of them to be hurt.

Swinging abruptly around, I set out for and sit down on one of the couches strewn around the room. Goten watches me, wide-eyed, reminding me so much of the brother I used to know. I only smirk at him and open my mouth to query,

"So, when are you popping the question?"

If possible, Goten blushes harder.

"I-I'm thinking—well, Alice's birthday is coming up in three weeks. I was thinking that I'd ask her then," he tells me shyly.

I nod approvingly. "Ah, yes, very romantic. I approve, baby brother."

Goten ducks his head. "W-would you stop calling me that? It—it makes me feel embarrassed," he dictates. I simply smile at him.

"All right," I acquiesce amiably. Goten shoots a quick look at me, suspicious already, even I though I didn't do anything. What fun it is to play with my brother's mind.

"You've changed," Goten relates suddenly. I blink in surprise at him, not expecting this development. "You're not the Gohan I used to know anymore. You're… you're more carefree, in a way. You're not so…"

"Awkward?" I supply. Goten nods, relieved that I'm not making him suffer. Really, what little faith he has in me now. Still, I can see where he's coming from. I thought of this subject myself only two days ago.

"You're right, I'm not so awkward," I start. "For some reason, being in the insanity ward has freed me from the chains that bound me. And I don't mean the manacles I had on when I was in there," I add, narrowing my eyes at my brother. Goten grins sheepishly, spreading out his hands to say, _You got me._ I smirk darkly at him in return: _Yeah, that's what I thought._

"Now I'm unpredictable. No one expects anything of me, least of all me myself. I don't know what I can or can't do anymore… and the idea fills me with exhilaration," I continue. Smiling, I look over at Goten, whom is studying me with a startled expression.

However, I'm not finished. "Speaking of the insanity ward, how did your visit with my loony doctors yesterday go?"

:-:-:-:

A few weeks later, I stand in a graveyard not far away from my—well, what used to be my house. The people who made the house home are no longer here, and so it's just a house to me. That, and a memory….

It was such a promising house.

Kneeling, I brush my fingers over the names of the two tombstones in front of me. "Son Videl" is the first one my fingers find. "Son Pan" follows not long after. Tears drip down my face, the first time they do, and I let myself finally grieve properly for my family and its long-dead future.

I kneel there for what seems hours, crying without a sound. It feels good to let out all the pain, all the self-loathing, all the distress, at long last. All the emotions I ever felt about those deaths, including the blinding realization I had only a month and two weeks ago; they are flying away now, leaving only a determination to live on in its place.

I will keep watch over my brother and his mate; I will protect them as best as I can. I will join forces with my parents and my old friends and try to keep their world as whole and pure as I can for as long as I can. I know, eventually, that it will tear and crack, but until then, I'll not let anything get to them. And when it _does_ happen, I will do my absolute best to help them both pick it up again.

I don't want them to be as alone as I was.

While I am at it, I will forge a new life of my own. I will go out into the world and shape my future for me; no longer will I blindly let other people influence me. I will meet new people, go new places, and taste new worlds. I will fling my arms out and gulp as much I can, then go questing for more. Never will I satiate myself; I will move on before I can do that. And when I get tired of my nomadic lifestyle, I will come home to my town, my family and my friends, and delight in nostalgia.

Perhaps I will even meet another woman, or several. Perhaps I will meet none. But I know that there is someone out there that I could grow to love, maybe not as much as Videl, but certainly enough to want to take care of as fiercely as I did Videl.

Mayhap I will even have some children. Who knows? Life will take me where it will; as long as I follow only my heart and not the wishes of others.

And when I fall into despair, as inevitably I will, I shall remember to simply step outside and let Mother Nature take care of me. I will remember that it hurts to keep my pain in, and will instead let it fly free.

But before all of that happens, I have to get used to life itself again. So much has changed in the twelve years that I was gone….

Do you think that if I visited the insanity ward where I was kept, _they'd_ try to capture me again?  


**FIN**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was an exercise in using primarily dialogue only. Originally there were ellipses in the place of the (Pause) stage direction, but FF.Net was unfortunately picky enough to wipe those all out without my noticing it until I had already deleted my hard copies of the chapters. Damage done, I had no choice but to put (Pause) where I could remember they went, and I'm pretty sure I missed more than a few places. Ah well. Also, this was written in 2005, so understandably the style is much different in this story than it is now.


End file.
